TRUTH: I AM AFRAID TO TRUST THE DREAM

5-Ways-to-Stop-Self-Doubt-in-its-Tracks

I have narrowed it down, I am afraid to trust the dream.

Today, when I swung my feet on the carpet and forced myself into standing position, I immediately noticed it there, pulling up a chair and taking a seat in the forefront of my brain, my self doubt.

Have I tricked myself into believing in a world, so far from my actual reality? I wonder if I will wake up, rocking myself in an insane asylum and face the terrorizing thought, “That life never actually happened.”  I spend countless hours writing, editing, reading and most of all, thinking which words I can string along to tell my story. Which words will clearly explain the circulating thoughts. Why? Why do I do this? Is it just a vice to get me through the mundane chores and actions of a day?

When I further investigate my desire to write, I find it sprouting from a small seed, whispering out only a single phrase, “There is more.”  I instinctively take a step back, as those powerful words have caused my heart to flutter incessantly like the wings of a hummingbird. “There is more.”

My desperate desire for more haunts me, keeping me up at night. I can taste it in every bite, it is there. I feel it pressed under my nails and it cools my mouth with each sip of water that passes my lips. A sense of being underutilized and unfulfilled has formed as my shadow, always lagging behind.

I want more. Is that wrong? I feel so blessed to be surrounded by health and family. That part of me is inflated with love and gratitude, nearly bursting at the seams. I have had four children, just to ensure that piece would be filled to capacity. What about the rest? What about me? Why am I not content with this being it? No, instead I lie in bed at night, just short of drifting off into a peaceful slumber, when an urge to swiftly jump up, grab a pen and paper, just to write down three little words. . .

There          Is          More

Photo Credit: Doubt and Fear Just Ahead Green Road Sign with Dramatic Storm Clouds and Sky.via Shutterstock

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A Meditation . . .

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I wrote this some time ago, trying to describe the feeling of taking a warm shower after a long day.  I was hoping to capture the moment when I submerge my head in the water and drown out all sound.  For me, that is a place of clarity, where I can just let it all go.  Either that or I need to get out more. Well, either way, here it is.

A chill set deep inside my bones, muscles tense, mind running. I peel away my clothing until they are slouched at me feet. With the twist of a knob, my oasis awaits. The steam climbs up my legs, eventually clouding my vision. Putting my right foot forward, I step towards the pulsing water, letting it slip over my body like an oversized shirt. I am engulfed in its warmth. My thoughts are fleeting like every bead of water rushing down. The inner voice has drained my emotions with anxiety, worry, fear. The water vibrating my back allows me to relax, sighing out all which I cannot change. I surrender my head to the current. It is here where I find the silence. I am just the soul, seeking shelter as the water saturates my home. It is here I reside, safe and warm, unharmed and unaffected. I sit quietly watching, listening as the water pounces off, I can hear each solitary drop tap dancing and echoing within. The voices have vanished, leaving me as I am. Traveling within the walls my soul has been placed. Warmth, light, quiet and peace. I am. I am. I am.