Who Decides?

The Where, When and What of being an adult and in charge of other living beings.

For my controlling personality, it seems a lifetime of being bossy, controlling, a ‘strong personality’ and a true Virgo has led me to this point in my life. My days are filled with minute by minute questions in which my decision making ability and authority is called upon.

What to buy? What to eat? What to wear?

Where to go? Can I have? Can I do?

After all of these years of fighting for control and now I don’t want any of it. I don’t want to be in charge. I don’t want to decide. I just want to sit down and have food appear in front of me. I want to be told what I will be doing. I want specific direction on how each day will be spent.

I surrender. . .

I am willing to accept things will not always be the way I wanted them to be. I am loosening my white knuckled grip on the reins of my life, allowing fate and chance to enter and decide.

I feel all, “Jesus Take The Wheel” gaining a new understanding of Carrie Underwood.

I am setting down the heavy baggage of self inflicted stress, worry and anxiety I have created by trying to remain in control. There it is, on the side of the road and off of my shoulders. For so many years I have been fooling myself in believing that I can have control. Wanting things to be right, to be to my liking, only to realize the secret. . . life is uncontrollable. My resistance is fading and I am learning to let life carry me like the waves of the ocean. Sometimes high, sometimes low, sometimes choppy and sometimes calm. Allowing myself to appreciate the times when its good and understand that it is a phase and will pass when its bad.

This realization has been such a gift to me. I use to feel like a worn out crayon found on the bottom of my children’s Crayola box. No more wrapper or pointed tip, just a nub. Until I learned to surrender. If I can get it all done. Great! If not, I get another chance at it tomorrow. There is always another chance to get the chores done, eat healthier, spend more time and accomplish my goals. Always another chance to work on being the person I want to be. Isn’t that just amazing – we all get another chance each day.

“Jesus Take the Wheel.”

It’s been a hard day’s night, I should be sleeping like a log

The kids had a snow day on Friday and another one yesterday, making today a false Monday and putting an end to their four day weekend. Winter has officially hit Long Island.

The day began like any other weekday, some breakfast, packed lunches and snacks, strange outfits and running down the block while the bus patiently sits at the corner with its doors open, ready to swallow up reluctant children. The day is in full swing with lots to get done.

By the time the evening comes, I sit on the couch with a cup of coffee ready to relax, a reward to myself. Sometimes I make a mental list of all the little tasks that I was able to do and I feel accomplished. I sit there all “Carpe Diem” and “Zen-like” feeling proud of myself. You did a good job. There will always be more to do, but you chipped away at the ol’ block today! You owned it today.   It’s usually around this time it starts . . .

“Go to bed,” I say slightly above my typical speaking voice. I can hear pattering feet above me. I decide to make my trip to the bathroom a surprise inspection, popping my head into their rooms while they scramble like cockroaches to their beds and fumble under the covers.

It’s only a few minutes later, their little voices are carried throughout the house, usually giggling or arguing and lots of shushing one another.

“Get in bed,” I shout out, with hope that they will instantaneously feel tired and fall asleep.

Skipping over the dreadful details, the evening typically concludes with me explaining to myself, out loud, that I am not being unreasonable by asking them to go to bed. We did everything that had to get done, it was a packed day and now its time for sleep. Simple.

If the phone rings and I decide to have a conversation, not work related, not bill related, just a casual, shoot-the-shit phone call, I find myself every few minutes pulling the phone away to scream like I have a disease. I am forced against my will to frequently get off the couch to sort them all back into their correct rooms and beds.

Just a few of the things that fly out of my mouth almost every night.

  • I’m done!
  • I’ve punched out!
  • So much happened today. How are you not tired?
  • That’s it! You’re all going to bed a half hour earlier tomorrow.
  • Please just go to bed. Please.
  • Now you’re thirsty? Really?
  • GO PEE THEN!
  • It’s a school night and because I said so, that’s why.
  • The kitchen is closed!
  • NO! I have already tucked you in twice, now you’re on your own!
  • SLEEP!

Not sure what I am doing wrong here, but by the time they all settle down, I can’t even think straight. Any creativity to write or desire to read has been drained and I just sit there in shock.

children quote

Right.