My Focus

I woke up one day and I was hand in hand with a handsome man, tall with jet black hair, masculine features, broad shoulders, well dressed, confident and exciting to be with.  As we walked hand in hand on the cobblestone road, weaving between magnificent architecture puzzled together like a maze leading us on our adventure, the sun shined down brightly upon us as we pondered where we should eat our next meal.  Which cafe or bistro shall we choose?  Would I like to sit here, outside in the cool breeze, beneath a red umbrella, resting my feet as the waiter sets exquisitely plated, savory, foreign foods from this land which we are discovering bite by bite.

Today, this memory is captured in my mind, floating around as I sit in my comfy living room, wearing my favorite pajama pants beside the tree which is peering down at me.  The holiday is over and you simply cannot walk through the house. I need to begin the cleanup, however I have decided to indulge in the memories of days gone by.  I don’t want to face the countless number of boxes, as one would imagine with four “nice” children and a generous grandmother, and after that task, my bed is covered with clean laundry, knotted together, just aching to be folded and sorted into the appropriate drawers.  I am aware that my overwhelming feelings don’t just stem from the monstrous mess scattered throughout the house or the heaping mountain of laundry, but from the lack of distraction my focus will have as of tomorrow.  No more joyous gift giving and secret planning for loved ones. The morning was filled with so much genuine magic and Christmas spirit that it had brought a tear to three adults eyes. However, now I am back to reality.  Back to the bills in which I have no idea how I will pay and more problematic situations in which I have no clue how to improve or change.

Sigh. . . but for tonight and for right now, I’m hand in hand, with that man, in a land far away eating wonderful food on the street, with a new dress resting in a bag beside me. The mess and the problems will just have to wait . . .

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Confessions of a Late Night Scandal

I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just come right out and say it.

I ate the chocolate covered pretzels (sigh).  I didn’t mean to, honest.  Let me explain, please!

It was late at night and I was shutting off the lights, moving the elf, dumping the last few cups lying around, out in the sink for the morning, typical night.  On my way into the bedroom, the dim light caught the reflection of the box.  The metallic, red color, perfectly tied white bow, and a peek-a-boo window, there it was just sitting there, begging me to look in its direction.  I pretended not notice, looking through my drawers for something more comfortable to slip into.  I turned my back to it, as I let my pants and bra fall to my feet and when I looked over my shoulder, it was faced in my direction. My lips curled up in a smirk and I quickly put on the oversized shirt for bed.  “No, you don’t belong to me” I whispered, as I bit down on my bottom lip, trying to control my urge to rip it open and indulge. I took a few steps closer and it became more persuasive, to seemingly show me more of what I was turning down. I felt hot and a moment of weakness passed over me.  It happened so quick, I tore everything off it in a moment, until I had what I was looking for, a mixture of sweet and salty decadence.  It was as good as it looked and it hit the spot.

When it was over, I went into the bathroom to clean up, stepping over the evidence on my bedroom floor. I felt like I was going to be sick. It was wrong and I knew it.  I had bought them as a holiday gift, they were not for me.  I fell weak to its seduction and I’m sorry. I am reminded of the shame when I look at my list of people I need to buy for, I have had to painfully re-write the name for whom it was intended for.  The store clerk questioned me,”I thought you crossed everyone off last week?” I slid the revised list in my pocket and lied, “I miscounted.”

My guilt has forced me to move all of them out of my bedroom. This will never happen again. I swear! I have moved forward and so should you.

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