I have narrowed it down, I am afraid to trust the dream.
Today, when I swung my feet on the carpet and forced myself into standing position, I immediately noticed it there, pulling up a chair and taking a seat in the forefront of my brain, my self doubt.
Have I tricked myself into believing in a world, so far from my actual reality? I wonder if I will wake up, rocking myself in an insane asylum and face the terrorizing thought, “That life never actually happened.” I spend countless hours writing, editing, reading and most of all, thinking which words I can string along to tell my story. Which words will clearly explain the circulating thoughts. Why? Why do I do this? Is it just a vice to get me through the mundane chores and actions of a day?
When I further investigate my desire to write, I find it sprouting from a small seed, whispering out only a single phrase, “There is more.” I instinctively take a step back, as those powerful words have caused my heart to flutter incessantly like the wings of a hummingbird. “There is more.”
My desperate desire for more haunts me, keeping me up at night. I can taste it in every bite, it is there. I feel it pressed under my nails and it cools my mouth with each sip of water that passes my lips. A sense of being underutilized and unfulfilled has formed as my shadow, always lagging behind.
I want more. Is that wrong? I feel so blessed to be surrounded by health and family. That part of me is inflated with love and gratitude, nearly bursting at the seams. I have had four children, just to ensure that piece would be filled to capacity. What about the rest? What about me? Why am I not content with this being it? No, instead I lie in bed at night, just short of drifting off into a peaceful slumber, when an urge to swiftly jump up, grab a pen and paper, just to write down three little words. . .
There Is More
Photo Credit: Doubt and Fear Just Ahead Green Road Sign with Dramatic Storm Clouds and Sky.via Shutterstock
Real Mom Of Long Island 
Oh, Lisa! I so love this post! You have taken my messiest feelings (and I bet, the feelings of many others) and perfectly packaged them up with a neat little bow on top.
Am I good enough to achieve more??? This question haunts, and taunts.
You are amazing. I love reading everything you write. Keep on keeping on. It’s positive and it’s forward motion. And by golly, it feels great! Cheers to you!
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Honestly – Thank you! I don’t type that for the sake of it, but because you have always supported me. So thank you! And if I do wake up in that insane asylum, I know it will be okay, because you are in the padded cell next door 🙂 xoxox
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Ahahahaha. You know it sister!
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This is wonderful. I think it resonates with all of us. We all have these feelings. The key isn’t to “trust the dream”; the key is to trust the One who gave you the dream. It’s there for a reason. You have to do the job that’s been given to you.
http://underandoveraroundandthrough.com/2015/01/27/are-you-doing-the-job-youve-been-called-to-do/
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Sigh. I have to tell you that your words put my frantic worries at ease. I am so appreciative that you took the time to read it, and then replied, letting me know that I am not alone and its okay. It truly means so much.
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Yep. That is the reason why, even though I’ve written over 400 posts, I still need to do more. There are more subjects to be written, more things to write about, always something more. And there is always a story that need to be told. Keep it up!
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Thank you for your encouraging words. Just when I am on the brink of collapsing and giving in to the doubt, I write. Which then affords me validation and encouragement from fellow writers and readers. Thank you!
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Yeah, I will agree. This last week has been a monumental task getting words on the page and getting the posts out. I finally managed one today, but it took a big effort. Sometimes they fly off the page and other times they just feel like they are being written in cement. Good luck to you getting the inspiration back! (me too please).
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You said it all sister in those three little words! There IS more! Never stop dreaming or believing, you have a gift! I completely relate to these feelings of self doubt, you just need to push that nagging voice in your head aside and show it what yo’ve got! u
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Thank you!!!! I appreciate your encouraging words!! I am so happy that there are people out there that can relate and have faith in the dream. It gives me the courage!! So thank you!! & thank you for taking the time to read!! 🙂
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Keep dreaming and keep writing! More will come to you! Thank you for this post. It is a reminder to us all!
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Oh thank you for your kind words, encouragement & taking the time to read!! 🙂
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Oy! Can I relate to this. I’ve gone back and forth with writing & not out of fear. Worried that my words weren’t enough.
But you’re right–there is more. Thanks for the inspiration!
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Thank you!! I appreciate you taking the time to read & your kind words!! 🙂 Our words ARE enough!! 🙂
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I wonder some time if self doubt is not put there as a challenge. Creative expression is not for the faint- hearted you cannot measure its success. The echo begins to mingle of the need to breath
words are my heart
my pen exhales for me
I am complete
Inhale deep my friend and enjoy!
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Wow!! I love that!! So beautifully written!! Thank you so much for taking the time to read & sharing in this experience with me!! Its good to know you are not alone!! 🙂
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oh yes, yes! I feel like that too. I am blessed with a little one, great partner, family and health. Yet, I know that my role as the person I am is not solely defined as “mother”. I remind my self when I feel about guilty about ambitions, that I want to be a woman my child is proud of, not just as her mother, but as a citizen of the world.
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I am so relieved to know that I am not the only one to feel this way! Thank your for taking the time to read! 🙂
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I’ve been there. I remember wishing for excitement in my life – and then my son who has all the medical problems was born. Now my every day is a challenge. But you know what I’ve learned? It’s the challenges in life that keep it from being dull.
Choose your challenges. See them for what they are and if you can, complicate them yourself while you’re still in control. The scary thing about life is, you never know when you won’t be.
Please know that I say all this not to frighten you nor even to make you feel ungrateful – that’s the last thing I want anyone to feel when they see what I deal with. I just hope to share my experience and encourage you to live the best life you can. 🙂
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Hello, and you should trust your dreams and your abilities. You should want more! Just judging from your posts in this blog tells me that you have writing talent. I wish you great success!
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Wow!! The validation means so much to me!! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! I am constantly working through the doubt and fear. No matter what, I will continue to write! Thank you again!! 🙂
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I completely relate
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Honestly, it is so nice to hear that there are other people who feel this way and understand. Thank you for taking the time to read! 🙂
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What an incredibly powerful punch at the end!!! Our life does continue, and each day new obstacles and opportunities present themselves…but what do I want from it? That’s the haunting question I ask myself each night. There is more! I will remember this. 🙂 Thank you! https://stepparentsanctuary.wordpress.com/
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Thank you so much! I am thrilled that it resonated with you – we are not alone!! Thank you for taking the time to read!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
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